I’m currently sitting in my living room waiting for my boys’ rooms to drop in temperature so I can go close their windows before I go to bed. We just moved into a new house which we love, but our AC is apparently original to the house which was built in 2003 (thanks for not telling us home inspector!!), and it decided to quit working days after we moved in.
I had all sorts of plans to get things ready and then go to bed early tonight because tomorrow is my first day back to work as an air traffic controller again, but it looks like that’s not happening.
When I quit air traffic almost 3 years ago, I truly had no intentions of ever going back. I thought I would love being a stay at home mom, be able to blog, do school, start an interior design business, and have a clean house, spend every moment with my kids and love it all every second like I was supposed to. Newsflash – that’s impossible! I learned very quickly that staying home with the kids meant I would be busy all. the. time. There are no moments to rest, time to study, work on whatever projects I had in my head. I was at the mercy of these two tiny and wonderful people every second of the day.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved being able to be there for all of Isaiah’s firsts, and to just spend that time with them whether it was going to parks, the zoo, the library, wandering the aisles of Target, or just being at home. I truly needed that, and I think they needed me.
I realized though that being at home comes with a constant busy, and also boredom at the same time. Lonliness while never being alone. The feeling of what did I even do all day? mixed with I am so exhausted I can’t do another thing once the kids go to bed.
Anyway, while I loved getting to have that time, I decided that it just wasn’t for me to stay at home. I missed working. I missed being around other adults. I missed talking to airplanes. I missed being good at something.
Also – they are getting more independent. They’re going to school, playing on their own, talking, feeling and communicating those feelings with legible words (most of the time). They sleep through the dang night!
As I write this though, I am filled with all sorts of emotions on going back. I’m excited to be back to doing something that I love. I’m worried that I didn’t do enough while I was home, that the boys will miss me, and feel like I’m leaving them. Worse even, that they won’t miss me. But this is motherhood right? The never ending battle of worry and excitement, joy and tears. Am I doing enough for them? Am I taking care of myself? Am I raising them the right way? Are they going to be peeing in the yard and saying “fart” or “poop” every other word for the rest of their lives?
I think the truth of it is that we’ll never do enough, but our love is always enough. There will always be things that fall through the cracks. We will miss things. There will always be what ifs and shoulda woulda couldas. There will never be this unwavering confidence that we’re doing everything right. But if we do it all with love and joy, then it will always be enough.